How to explain ‘bad behaviour’ to other parents
Have you had tense interactions with other parents about the behaviour of your child?
Key points:
- Caregivers of someone with an autism spectrum disorder may be actively learning more about the neurodevelopmental condition during the onset of early signs — finding new coping strategies, supports and insight from experts
- Parents may be wrongfully accused of raising their child poorly, although other parents may not fully understand the signs of a neurodivergent person
- Although a parent may be able to curb certain patterns of behaviour or work to reduce the severity of communication hurdles, there is no ‘fix-all’ cure
This edition of Disability Support Guide looks at different strategies to communicate with other parents or other adults who rush to judgement about an adolescent person’s behaviour. In school, symptoms such as inattentive behaviour, impulsivity, tantrums or communication difficulties may be a common cause of concern for teachers and contribute to poor grades, which can negatively affect the self-esteem of a person with disability.
However, ASDs, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety disorders and developmental delays may also impact the self-esteem of parents who find themselves on the defence from people who do not have the lived experience of caring for someone with disability.
This article will cover how to respond to criticism or ostracism from other parents, how to explain that you are caring for someone with a condition and when to walk away from bad faith discussions.
How to respond to criticism from other parents
People who care for someone with disability may be accused of ‘bad parenting’ by other adults — similarly, scowling looks in the supermarket aisles or muttering about something that a parent can manage, but not control, may feel emotionally frustrating or painful.
Research found that parents of children with a disability experience significantly higher emotional stress, physical health symptoms, greater financial stress and a higher number of relationship problems compared to parents with children without a disability..
However, it is important to know that the lived experience of other caretakers is not reflective of someone responsible for raising a child with disability. At face value, it may seem that tantrums, screaming and disruptive behaviour are things that can be solved through parenting, but never feel the need to apologise for something that you can’t ‘fix.’
Instead, assuming the situation calls for it, it may be worth engaging with a person who is concerned out of ‘good faith,’ rather than ‘bad faith.’ Good faith comments and discussions are made possible when two people come together to reach an understanding and are open to changing their minds or attitudes towards something. Bad faith discussions, on the other hand, are intended to tire the person out and make them change the way they feel with no consideration as to whether their perspective is valid.
How to explain disability to adults who are not aware
In adulthood, many people still do not know about certain types of disabilities or may falsely attribute the behaviour of a person living with disability or a condition to other causes — such as diabetic attacks being likened to excess alcohol intoxication, hallucinations attributed to drug use or a mobility impairment mistaken for binge drinking.
People who jump to conclusions may be doing the same thing, by associating something they are familiar with to justify behaviours which they are unfamiliar with. However, it is not your duty to educate someone about something based on a rude comment or to defend your efforts as a parent. Sometimes, simply saying “we’re a little bit upset right now” or showing solidarity with the person in your care is better than actively disclosing it to everyone who treats a few tears in public like a spectacle.
As a caretaker, it is in the interests of you and your child to disclose disability to other caretakers who will also look after someone you are raising. Other caretakers for your child may include teachers, medical staff, close family and friends. If a teacher, for instance, is not sure how to support someone you look after, every party can gain something from transparent communication, whereas the general public do not do as much for your child as an educator nor yourself.
When to walk away from a bad faith discussion
A bad faith discussion will inevitably lead to a resolution, but there are only two resolutions to be had: walking away or expressing anger. Expressing anger or informing members of the public during a moment of distress for your child that they have a disability will likely lead to further emotional distress and is not a positive way to support someone you care for.
By showing support, minimising the severity of the situation in the eyes of others, to the best of your abilities and finding an appropriate time to discuss the incident later, you minimise the risk of anxiety, panic and frustration.
What’s your story as a parent or caregiver for a person with disability? Did the public ever push you to your breaking point and if so, how would you handle it differently?
Related content:
Taking care of your mental health when living with a disability