Talking to kids about disability

Key points:

• It’s important to teach kids that not all disabilities are visible
• Talk with people who have disabilities, if it is appropriate, about their requirements, rather than make assumptions or avoid discussions outright
• Some people with disabilities do not feel comfortable with discussions about their difficulties, as some may choose to be treated no differently than others

As kids grow up, they meet others at school, in suburbs, cities and different countries, which can be amazing to learn more about the world and the people living in it.

Much like going to a different country without knowing the customs — going to school and interacting with others who may appear different to you can come as quite a shock — it’s natural to be curious.

However, as parents or carers, it is important to educate the child you are caring for on how to approach a topic such as disability, which they may not understand. 

Education surrounding disability is far from a one-size-fits-all umbrella, as each person with a disability will feel differently about certain terms or attitudes. However, as a basic rule, it is important to put the person before the disability itself, rather than see the disability as a defining trait. 

By getting to know a person for who they are, rather than how they look or some behaviour which they may exhibit that others might not, kids can grow up learning how to approach the topic of disability. Additionally, getting to know the person first can allow them to feel more comfortable discussing their preferences and helping you to be supportive.

This is why it is now considered appropriate to say “person living with a disability” rather than “disabled person,” which is considered exclusive language.

This article will discuss some outdated terminology along with some alternative terms to use, how to be understanding without condescending and some positive examples of disability representation in pop culture that may help them to understand the discussion.

Addressing people with disabilities and avoiding harmful language

It’s important for kids to know that everyone has their own preferences and while some people find certain terms to be offensive, others can find the generally appropriate terms to be belittling. Tone and context, along with the connection that a child has to that person with disability, can impact the way we interpret words.

Referring to a disability that someone may live with, if it is not relevant to the situation, may often be unnecessary and hurtful, as it may feel like an inescapable barrier to social inclusion.

Old words that were once considered diagnostic have become offensive when they were applied outside of their intended use or when the term itself was intended to demean the person with a disability.

For instance, the word ‘retarded,’ along with associated terms, such as ‘tard,’ ‘retard,’ or ‘retardation,’ were once used in place of ‘moron’ or ‘idiot’ in order for psychiatrists to describe people living with cognitive, developmental or intellectual disabilities.

However, as soon as those words became used as a synonym for ‘bad,’ the word itself now carries with it an intent to make someone feel bad about themselves, long after the diagnosis was scrapped.

In general, this can be a chance for kids to say what they mean and describe the qualities of something that they dislike, rather than hurt people in the process or contribute to a culture which encourages putting down people living with disabilities.

Ie. “I don’t like that video game, it’s retarded,” a student said.
“What don’t you like about it?” asked the teacher.

“It’s retarded,” replied the student.

“No, that word is offensive and does not tell me what you dislike about the game.”

“I dislike how difficult the underwater level is,” responded the student.

“The word ‘difficult’ is a great way to describe that level without hurting anyone.”

Learning how to find alternative words in childhood and adolescence can help to reduce a sense of exclusion that some people living with disabilities might feel, especially if someone with a disability were to hear that word used to describe them, along with something that people dislike.

If a child has to describe someone that lives with a disability, it can be useful to say “person who” or “person with” rather than putting the condition before the person itself, which might seem like they are in a different category from everyone else.

“Person who uses a wheelchair” is more appropriate than “handicapped person,” which can make someone feel limited.

Similarly, terms such as ‘neurotypical’ for people that do not live with a mental, developmental or neurological disability, can serve as a way to avoid saying things such as ‘normal,’ which may lead people living with a disability to believe that they are abnormal.

The best way to avoid offending anyone and to find out what people are comfortable with is to ask them, should the situation arise. Although asking someone directly may risk causing offence, it will allow you to accommodate the feelings of others and learn more about what is acceptable in future.

How to avoid being condescending when discussing disability

Through simply treating people around you with respect and kindness, while avoiding hurtful comments about disabilities altogether, you avoid running the risk of hurting someone who may have a visible or invisible disability. The impact that words can have, much like disabilities, may be invisible.

This is not to say that you should treat everyone living with a disability as if they are incapable of thought, action or doing the wrong thing. In some instances, this can serve as a learning opportunity for them and a teaching moment for other children.

Inclusivity means including people living with disabilities as people, rather than novelties that are incapable of effort or learning. 

Supporting someone to overcome challenges which they may face in their life means helping them do things correctly, giving them encouragement and assistance in order to achieve, rather than smiling and nodding in order to seem like you are doing the right thing.

Finding common interests and things that children living with a disability like can be a great way to keep them actively interested in learning and making friends throughout childhood, along with showing others a new side to someone that, at face value, might seem different.

Using popular culture to talk about disability

Many characters in popular culture can serve as a great way to introduce the topic of disability to kids of all ages, whether young or in their teens.

In the film Finding Nemo, the orange clownfish doesn’t have large enough fins to swim at the same level as his peers, but at the end of the story, his ability to persevere and give it his all ends up making him a hero and makes his father proud.

Many superheroes also have disabilities, such as Professor Xavier of X-men who uses a motorised wheelchair. Professor X leads a team of superpowered heroes at the Charles Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters, where each character lives with some kind of disability.

Stevie from popular sit-com, Malcolm in the Middle, is the best friend of Malcolm and is often treated no differently from other characters, except in plotlines or scenes which involve his use of a wheelchair and asthma, which can impact his ability to play sport. However, Stevie is just as prone to use his disability to the advantage of others or to make fun of those that treat him differently as a result, such as those that treat him like a victim or as a vulnerable target.

The way that popular culture frequently depicts those with disabilities can inform negative opinions of children consuming media, but it can also be used to educate and help kids understand the way that language surrounding inclusion can shape attitudes.

How do you plan to help children in your community understand and make sense of the attitudes, language and depictions of disability that exist? We’d love to hear from you on the Disability Support Guide Facebook page.

Related content:

What essential life skills do teens with disabilities need to know?
Self-advocacy for people with disability
Preparing your child with a disability for the new school year